I have struggled with self image my entire life. While there are circumstances in my life that could be directly related to this poor self image, we are just going to keep it simple today, and talk about image as it pertains to my experience. It could be argued that one of my biggest sources of motivation for personal fitness, is deeply rooted in a poor self image. A need to create definition in my body. Growing up, I did not like the idea of “working out”. It always seemed like such a hassle. Hell week for high school football was something I dreaded. I knew that it would require me to push my body, a body that was for the most part, unwilling. I fought this, even though I loved the feeling pulsing through my veins when I excelled in sport. I was a skinny kid, barely any muscle, and no fat to be seen. I hated that. Other kids seemed to hold weight, grow muscle, and wear there bodies with ease. My child like attempts to change my body were inconsistent at best. I never seemed to shake this overwhelming feeling that I was second best, always a step behind everyone else.

As I grew older I did in many ways become more accepting of my body, just as it was. But there was still this overwhelming need for external affirmation. Quite simply, I did not know how to be me, and accept myself for who and what I was. Admittedly, accepting myself, this is not something that just happens overnight, it has been a process, one I still learn from daily, a process I am sure has no definitive conclusion. To this day, I still have my moments.

What I couldn’t see back then, what seems more clear to me now, is the power of intentionality. From the very first day I watched a snowboard race, I was moving with the intention of making a life around snowboarding. I did not know that then. But I was answering a calling. I would like to think I am answering that calling each and everyday, in different ways, all the while being blessed by actively cultivating a life through experience. Some of those experiences are positive, some negative, but what has grown more consistent is my self acceptance through lived experience. I am me, and life does happen wether your in the drivers seat or not, but at the end of the day, I am still me, you are still you. You will spend more hours each day with yourself than any other human being on this earth, guaranteed. So it would make sense that in every way possible, you could only benefit from being at peace with that simple fact, at coming to terms with your own existence, accepting yourself for who you are. Have I perfected this ideal of self acceptance? No. But rest assured, I have found more stable ground to stand on, and a more honest awareness of myself, and the world around me through striving for self acceptance.  

When I started a structured workout routine five years ago, it was one of the most challenging things I have ever done. Simply adhering to the schedule seemed impossible. But each day I woke up, not quite believing in myself, unsure of my ability, and I went to the gym. Right around three hours every morning, and three hours every evening, six days a week. For the first time ever, I was present, and had the unique opportunity to see my body change, grow, even prosper. I did this primarily because of the vested passion I have for snowboarding, moving confidently in the belief that this work was good, and would help me shape my life around snowboarding. What I couldn’t see then, was the slow, unyieldingly positive cascade that this commitment was having throughout my life. I started going to sleep at the same time every night, waking up at the same time too. My eating patterns became more consistent and I was almost always well hydrated. I had more energy throughout my days, became more efficient with my time and started scheduling and planning my day around my workout routine. Going to the gym started out as something I hated, and over time turned into a cornerstone pattern of behavior that has shaped my days ever since. In firefighting we always emphasized having safe anchor points, an anchor point is a piece of ground from which we begin one of our most dangerous jobs, direct line construction on an active fire. Going to the gym has become an anchor point in my life, tested and proven on even the harshest, most challenging of days. I started going to the gym because of my passion for snowboarding, believing it would help me become a better snowboarder. While it did inherently make me a better athlete, it also blessed me with structure, with motivation, with an anchor point that pervades even the darkest corners of my existence.  I am so thankful for the commitment I am able to have, to use this body, to be blessed by this life, to acknowledge the miracle it is, to simply be. And please, make no mistake about it, this is new for me.

Its not to say everyone must go to the gym. Thats not what I am getting at here. For me, the gym changed my life. Or rather, my commitment to the task, born of my best intentions, inherently created conditions for a prosperity that took me by surprise. Over time my body has changed, I’ve gained weight, lost weight, and gone through various levels of fitness in the process. However regardless of those changes, I would argue that my ability to be okay inside my own skin came not from the changes in my body that could be seen, but rather the psychological transformation that was unknowingly occurring when I chose to do something I despised, that required me to work on a body I didn't like, because of the love and commitment I had for something near and dear to my heart. There is so much power in intentionality, and I believe the reasons behind why we do what we do, are equally, if not more important than the very thing itself that captivates our minds eye, and inspires us to act.

So, what is your anchor point? 

Thats all I have tonight. Thank you all for inspiring, motivating, and believing in me. The time you have taken to read this, means so much to me. 

A heart full of gratitude,

-RB